When I pictured myself as a mother when I was younger it was always the same thing. Me, sitting with my kids, laughing and playing with them. Reading books together, pushing them on the swings, happily making cookies together, etc. I was going to be the patient mom. The BEST mom.
I feel like I am failing as of late. We read books, but I'm hurrying through them. Pushing them on the swings? I'm too tired and it's too hot outside and I have too much to do. Making cookies together? It's easier to do it myself. I don't have TIME to clean sugar and eggs off the floor, not to mention the Crisco that gets painted all over the cupboards. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I want to chuck things across the room.
This is not good.
This is not the life I want for my kids. This is not the life I want for ME. I want my children to feel safe in our house and safe in my arms. I want to be their refuge from the world. I want there to be a spirit of love in our home. I realized today that I am not giving it to them and that needs to change. Like RIGHT NOW.
I don't want them to look back on their childhood and think, "Man, my mom really hated being a mother. I was just a thorn in her side, an annoyance." I want them to look back and smile and remember that they have a mother that loves them more than they could ever understand.
How do I do this? I am asking you, Oh Internet. Help me become a better mom.
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21 comments:
What a joy it is to know that other moms aren't perfect either :) I also grew up with a set of expectations of what my life would be, when I'd get married, what kind of job I would get, how much money I would earn, when I would have children, etc... (the list goes on)
Let's just say that my life has not gone at all according to plan, and I've had to "fix and make do". Something that a good friend has taught me, is that it's best to have goals, not plans. You want to be a good mom, that's you're goal. But it seems that your plans have changed (and let's be honest life has a way of always changing them) So your plans have changed, that's okay. That doesn't make you a bad mom, it just means you have new plans.
The only other bit of advice is something that my mom told me when I was trying to survive the first six weeks after giving birth, "you can only do what you can only do," then you move on.
Thank you for being honest about life as a stay at home mom, I appreciate it. Good Luck!
No. NO. This can't be happening. Did I just read that I am NOT the only mother on earth who yells at her precious babies sometimes?
Em, you need to give yourself a little more credit. You are a wonderful mother. If you weren't, you wouldn't be so guilt-ridden or have written this post. You care about your children's memories of you and of their childhood.
You can't do everything perfectly. You'll mess up sometimes. Even so, your kids will be fine.
One word of advice: RELAX. And three more: ENJOY YOUR KIDS. My mom was just saying the other day, you'll spend most of your life with them out of the house. The time you have with them is so short - stop worrying about how you're implanting negative images and just enjoy them. That's all they want anyway.
Em, I think there is something in the air. I went into my girls room last night and just cried and cried. I kept thinking what if I were gone tomorrow, how sad would their memories be of our time together.
I totally get not wanting to make cookies with them and pushing them on the swings. Books? I make Daddy read them. I decided today that I would try a little harder. I sat down to play a game of kids UNO with my oldest and by the second game I had a forced smile and it took everything I had to not throw the cards and run out of the room.
If you figure it out, let me know.
You are not the only one out there! Somedays I get so annoyed its not even funny! Nothing in life is ever perfect, so don't ever try to be. Just be you, thats the best gift you can give your kids.
Take a few minutes here and there just for you, its be best gift you can give yourself and it will help you enjoy your kids more!
You are a fabulous mom! I've seen it! Your kids do love you, you can tell by the way they look at you. I had the kids help make cookies today and I thought I was going to lose my mind!
I think the way we "think" things will be are often not the way things "actually" are. And that's okay. Infact, it's A-OK! Hang in there. I think you are awesome. I love you.
This is one of those stuck in my brain posts. I keep thinking about it.
I have a friend that was going through this too and her therapist (thank goodness for a therapist) told her that she needs to stop expecting herself to be a perfect mom. She was tiptoeing the line of crazy perfection. Being a good mom is enough. He told her that a good mom:
-Puts in a video for her kids while she reads a book
-Orders dinner from Fazoli's and Taco Bell once a week
-Buys Chips Ahoy and serves them with milk to her kids
-Goes out with the girls to become rejuvinated
-Doesn't teach them to read and do multiplication by the time they are in Kindergarten. They have to learn SOMETHING in school
-And my favorite, knows that good IS good enough
Remember that. Being a good mom is good enough. You are a good mom.
Remeber, Carol Brady had an Alice.
Carol Brady also had an affair w/her "son" and had a gay husband. :)
What wonderful words and advice that's been posted already! I totally ditto all the smart ladies. I agree that just by you being aware of your mothering skills, you've already proven you're off to a great start. And these toddler years? HARD! I really liked the comment that you'll live more of your life w/your kids outside of your home than in the home. Yikes. I've got some work to do! As I was sitting out in the foyer during church the other day (w/the attitude of "why do I even bother") a mom of all teenagers came over to me and said "you know how they welcomed Sister So&So's young adult daughter that is visiting? Before you realize it, they'll be welcoming Kelly as 'Sheri's daughter visiting from xxx'. And as a mom to teenagers, I can tell you that it seems like just yesterday that I was out here walking the halls with them."
*sigh*
... slow down, you move too fast... ya got to make the moments last...
seriously, i don't know. i think we all struggle with this. i try to make an effort to do one thing everyday that makes me feel like i'm doing it right... whether that be playing with polly pockets (hate!) or playdough, or making cookies, or dancing around the kitchen like a crazy person with them... whatever.
just so they know i'm human.
Good advice from everyone so far. Just so you know this isn't a "new" problem, I was a young mommy 30 years ago and we struggled with the same old same old. Relax and be willing to go to Plan B, so that your days don't get overloaded with trying to achieve Plan A. Kids are pretty good at entertaining themselves in those moments when you need to step back and refresh.
Oh, I also meant to say thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday. It was fun to see you there.
I'm glad you posted this, I've been thinking about this very thing lately.
Thanks to all you smarties and the great comments!
I'm sure all of us have felt the same way. I'll let you know if I figure it out.
wow. i should just repost what i commented at mayhem in mexico right here! basically - each day is a chance to recommit. and that makes a good mom - one who does.
i sorta blogged about this today, too. are we all on the same page or sumthin'? ;)
oh, and i tagged you to do a "baby meme" for mini man!
You are a great Mom. I have taken a step back from a lot of things after my freakout on the 12th. I seriously was like whoa.. they are growing up so quickly am I the type of Mom I want to be? I have changed a lot of things. I try to focus on THEM and what they are doing. I let the phone ring. I ignore the computer a lot more. I ignore a lot of things besides my kids and my little family. I try to give myself extra time when we are going places and have been trying to see the world in my kids eyes. I have resolved to only being on the phone when I am in the car so I can spend more quality time. Sorry to everyone who gets to hear my wild kids in the background!! lol!!!!!
I miss you girl!
Carol Brady also had a live in housekeeper/cook and kids who weren't toddlers.
Thanks for posting this. I've enjoyed all the comment and advice. It's great to remember that we're all trying to be better moms and I have a long, long way to go.
Now as I write this I will admit that my 18 month old is eating potato chips for breakfast...
Here's the deal...all those brady kids needed years of therapy after Carol's "mothering" so seriously give yourself a break. I completely agree with Stephanie: good is good enough. I will tell you from experience *this is me putting my social worker hat on* that the most important gift that you can give your children is to make them feel that they are completely loved by you. I will tell you I have seen both: children who have this unshakeable belief in their parents love for them, and children whose little souls are broken by its absence. And I promise you the difference is vast and heart wrenching.
I think its great to have goals, but honestly give yourself some credit and remember to take care of yourself. I used to tell parents never to do any new parenting type thing unless they had three things.
1. Time
2. Energy
3. Support
and always to try one new skill at a time, because really our children are extremely patient. They are willing to wait around eighteen or twenty years while we work on getting it right.
Lemme see...
Did Carol Brady serve in the YW? Did she have 2 little ones that she loved and adored and got up in the middle of the night with? Did she write to a missionary every week? Did she make all her friends and family laugh? Did she teach her children the gospel? Did she go to girl's camp? Did she write poetry? Did she train for months to run a 5k? Nope... SO no...you are not Carol Brady. You are someone that would put her to shame!
You are an Amazing Mom. Don't let unrealistic "role-models" intimidate you. Your boys will grow up and praise your name. Mistakes and all.
Love you!
I am going through this same thing, I just blogged about it yesterday. I think it must be time for school to start.
Carol Brady did have an Alice.
I am far from the perfect mother and there is a steryo type of the perfect mother.
I am sure you are doing wonderful. But trust me I have those feelings as well.
Wow, just like all of the others, I can so relate! I often wonder what my children are going to think of their childhood. I don't want it to be of me screaming or upset at them, but some days that's what I worry they will remember.
The fact that we worry shows we love them to pieces. The comments and advice you've (we have ALL) gotten have really been needed today for me!
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